The Fake Metalhead:
Age: Very young. These creatures rarely exist past the age of 18.
Location: YouTube, devianArt's music forum, Hot Topic.
Favorite bands: Slipknot, Disturbed, Trivium, Godsmack
Sample quote: "OMG guys I'm so brootal! You listen to Lady Gaga? You're such a poser! Slipknot forever!!!"
This is an obvious one. It's the teenager that thinks listening to bands like Slipknot makes them metalheads. Luckily, I think most of the world hates this guy/girl, so it isn't much of a threat.
The Pretentious Metalhead:
Age: Usually college age or in their 20s.
Location: running their own music blogs, on random websites attacking fans of Iron Maiden for liking Iron Maiden, used to be found in the deviantArt music forum but they've all been replaced by the creature listed above.
Favorite bands: I'm not allowed to list any of its favorite bands, because once I do, they're too mainstream and it has to find new bands.
Sample quote: "Slayer is horrible, along with the other Big 4 bands, and the almost-Big 4 bands, and the almost-almost-Big 4 bands. It's all terrible commercialized thrash metal."
Automatically hates any metal band that everyone's heard of. Only listens to extremely obscure metal bands. Often, they only listen to obscure bizarre fusion genres like progressive blackened death djent metal.
Age: Like the Fake Metalhead, these creatures very rarely exist past 18.
Location: on Facebook, calling everyone "posers".
Favorite bands: Slayer, Mayhem, Sodom, Kreator, Destruction
Sample quote: "GOD HATES US ALL LOLOLOLOL SLAYER 666!"
This creature was born from Satan's anus, or so it would like to think. It will never be found listening to anything lighter than Slayer. Any metalhead that listens to clean vocals or doesn't worship Satan is a poser in its eyes.
The Metalhead Who Has No Life Outside Of Metal:
Age: Any age, but an abundance of these creatures are 40 or older.
Location: watching music awards shows complaining that their favorite metal band isn't nominated for anything, voting on polls meant for teenage girls and once again complaining that their favorite metal band isn't in the poll, the Megadeth fanclub forums
Favorite bands: Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Motörhead, sometimes Slayer (but usually only Angel of Death and Raining Blood), and rarely anything else.
Sample quote: "Led Zeppelin? They aren't real music! Let's listen to some METALLICA!!! \__/--(>_<)--\__/" (note: the bigger and more obnoxious the headbanging smiley is, the better)
This extremely narrow minded creature threw out all its Beatles and Led Zeppelin records the day it discovered Iron Maiden. It then realized the one important truth: all music is inferior to heavy fucking metal! Classic rock? It's not heavy enough, forget it. Country? Eww, it wouldn't touch that with a 99 foot pole! Rap? HAHA MORE LIKE CRAP!!!!! Similar to the bible humper (but that's another complaint), this creature feels the need to spread the word of the Metal Gods EVERYWHERE and try to convert everyone to its music taste. Oddly enough, it's extremely rare for this species to listen to any bands that aren't Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath (unless they're convinced it's not heavy enough) or the Big 4, and despite how many shows it goes to, it's never spent less than $100 on a ticket.
The Metal Chick
Age: Usually between 13-25, but some can be older.
Location: Tumblr, Metallichicks forums
Favorite bands: Metallica (but only when they were young), Children of Bodom (because OMG ALEXI IS SO HAWT!!!), and most bands with lots of sexy long haired men
Sample quote: "OMG KIRK HAMMETT I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!"
The metal equivalent of the "girl gamer", this always-female creature is proud to be a girl in a male-dominated subculture, and she won't hesitate to remind you that she has a vagina. She is proud of many things, from her large collection of band t-shirts that she cut up herself to expose as much boob as possible, to the time she spent 5 whole seconds in a mosh pit. The thing that separates her from other metalheads is the fact that she really couldn't care less about the music. Instead, she is a modern version of a groupie, judging bands based on how hot she finds their members to be. For every second she spends actually listening to metal, she spends an hour building up her folder of pictures of her favorite musicians. However, she is completely unaware that she makes real female metalheads ashamed to be both metalheads and female.